as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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