pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
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I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
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I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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