I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
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So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
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It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal