I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
