All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
