Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
30+ People Share Their Worst ‘Intimate Experience’ And They’re Traumatizing
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon