just come out here and I will go home with you...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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