the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
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Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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