My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
