I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
