i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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