Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
