All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
