Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
