i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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