dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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