Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
