There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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