Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
