dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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