if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
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you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
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I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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