did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
pray to the hookup gods
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
