Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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