Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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