Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
