i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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