Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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