I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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