I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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