my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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