awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Farmville is her only friend.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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