Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
