my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
