you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
3pm strippers are depressing
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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