I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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