jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
