Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
