Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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