my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
