College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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