Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
