I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.