I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood