In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
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I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
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How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.