alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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