I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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