Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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