I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
