So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
