Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
