My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
