So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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