I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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