We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
